My third HP Workstation is bouncing around in the back of a FedEx truck as we speak and will be ensconced with the initial ones this afternoon. Not having a house party to go to has changed my outlook on life.
What am I going to do with three workstations? I have plans for the first two, but the third is a mystery so far. I know that my wife is wondering about all of the boxes piling up in the living room. She’s biting her tongue to keep me from questioning why I have to keep ordering replacement credit cards for her. Hers keep melting in the bottom of her purse, and I can hear them whimpering when I drive past Neiman Marcus on the Strip.
I’ve divided my life into individual parts, like a schizophrenic who argues with himself over what restaurant to eat at and needs the third identity to cast the deciding vote.
Being in the Lifestyle means that when the other people discuss last weekend’s football game, you can’t mention whose wife you hooked up with. But, of course, a lot of those people did, in fact, bang someone’s wife on the side. We don’t call it cheating in our world if the husband knows about it. Our minor indiscretions don’t result in divorce either.
I typically use one computer for my work as an author of pornographic stories or smut for those times when the only strange stuff you’re getting is your left hand. You’d be surprised to know that it takes more than a word processor and a box of Kleenex to clean up in the world of smut.
Like in the old days, before adult bookstores were popular, you had to buy dirty stuff from under the counter. And the little old lady would look like she was going to throw up when you shuffled in wearing your raincoat with the pockets cut out. Then when you were leaving with obscene literature in your grubby paws, she would spray you with Lysol.
Being an author of erotica is more than just pounding the keyboard and your pud simultaneously. Next is the graphics software to create those covers that your fans pound their pud to. This is where Adobe gets to butt fuck you with their monthly fees. I used to be able to buy software and own it, but Adobe was one of the first to get wise and figure out they could just rent it to you. Like an addict with a needle in his arm, Adobe permanently glues itself to your credit card for their monthly fix. While GIMP is an excellent substitute for PhotoShop, I still like PhotoShop.
I use CorelDRAW to create covers, and it used to be a product that I actually owned. However, yesterday, I got an email that Corel had seen the light, and after my annual maintenance contract expired, I would be automatically switched to their monthly suck. The nice thing Corel told me was that I didn’t have to do anything, and they would take care of connecting to my credit card for their monthly feeding. It’s so nice to know that Corel was saving me the trouble of having to decide if I wanted to do this or not. Of course, I’m assuming I can continue using my current version without their fix, but that confirmation was conveniently left out of the “wonderful” news.
Then there is QuarkXPress, a product that reminds me of Brad in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Whenever Brad shows up, the audience screams out, “Asshole,” and it’s hard for me to avoid saying that with Quark.
Quark enables a geek like me to create paperback novels that look like those you buy at Wally World. But, it is a learning lesson as my mom preaches to me. She also says, “You never learn a lesson unless it hurts!” I’ve used Quark for years, and every version has been a learning lesson for me. The ad always says that this problem has been fixed in the new version, but we’ve come up with many new wrinkles to piss you off.
The good news about dealing with Quark is that I now have three HP workstations to play with. My goal is to be able to run Quark, PhotoShop, and CorelDRAW simultaneously without issues. Also, did I mention that I now have 128 Gb of RAM memory in my author’s workstation with a 12-core Xeon processor?
I hope to convert another one of my published electronic stories to paperback form this weekend. Then, I’ll either be thrilled like Michael Jackson if it all works as I hope, or pissed like Brad when everyone calls him an asshole!
If your imagination is not good enough to masturbate to, try one of my explicit smoking hot erotic novels to get your motor started. My blog, LarryArcher.blog has a lot of information on my stories or you can check out my author’s links at all the popular sources for erotic literature.
If you don’t have a favorite site to buy your smut at, try Kinky Literature. The cost is the same and you help to promote a company which provides the best erotica from all the good authors. You can find Larry Archer’s dirty stories at the locations below in both print and electronic formats:
Next, you’ll be looking to install a server (including an UPS in case of power failures), get your own credit cards to melt buying an enterprise-level OS license (with support), learn how to install personal drives on those HP workstations you’re starting to collect (once you learn how to configure RAID arrays, of course) and have those three programs installed on the server to take advantage of its greater processing/multitasking power by creating links and kernels to the software resident on the server that won’t impact the workstations’ processing all that much. Which will most likely require you to seriously beef up your home network and might get your ISP involved to get more bandwidth via a business-level connection. And your electric provider will be happier, too, once you get the bill after getting all of this up and running.
And if you have to get a real professional to set this all up for you, um, where’s the lube… because you might need it.
Software providers, oh, like Microsoft, have figured out that it doesn’t much help their bottom line for users to own the software (except at the enterprise level which is where a lot of companies make the most of their money) but if you rent it to them, that works and more so if it’s a program you just can’t live without and even more so when that program is the one that, when it works, works perfectly for you. Customer support, which has never been all that good to begin with, gets shoddier; I can tell you some horror stories about Level 1 customer support and why they usually can’t solve your issues without escalating to “technical support” and that’s on top of calling their 800 number and getting someone who barely speaks English.
Yeah – what did you do this weekend? My buds would be talking about housework, whatever sports they were watching, etc… and I’m thinking about the house party my wife and I went to and how much sex I had that wasn’t with my wife and being there made me miss the game the other guys are talking about. Being in the lifestyle is one of those “dirty little secrets,” ain’t it?
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I already have my UPS system and it saved my bacon last weekend when the lights went out for an hour. Beyond all the beeping from the systems complaining about no power it was a non-event.
We’re about to stick our toes back into the house party scene unless BA.2 is an issue. Most of our friends are as paranoid as we are and have been pretty much celibate for the last two years except for the wife.
Yeah, it’s amazing the things that are going on and the straights have no idea.
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I think you may be getting in over your head here…. But hey, you’ve got to do something with all that energy that isn’t being drained by your Lifestyle hook ups.
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You’re probably right Lisabet as I’ve always been easily distracted by shiny objects or short skirts.