My third HP Workstation is bouncing around in the back of a FedEx truck as we speak and will be ensconced with the initial ones this afternoon. Not having a house party to go to has changed my outlook on life.

What am I going to do with three workstations? I have plans for the first two, but the third is a mystery so far. I know that my wife is wondering about all of the boxes piling up in the living room. She’s biting her tongue to keep me from questioning why I have to keep ordering replacement credit cards for her. Hers keep melting in the bottom of her purse, and I can hear them whimpering when I drive past Neiman Marcus on the Strip.

I’ve divided my life into individual parts, like a schizophrenic who argues with himself over what restaurant to eat at and needs the third identity to cast the deciding vote.

Being in the Lifestyle means that when the other people discuss last weekend’s football game, you can’t mention whose wife you hooked up with. But, of course, a lot of those people did, in fact, bang someone’s wife on the side. We don’t call it cheating in our world if the husband knows about it. Our minor indiscretions don’t result in divorce either.

I typically use one computer for my work as an author of pornographic stories or smut for those times when the only strange stuff you’re getting is your left hand. You’d be surprised to know that it takes more than a word processor and a box of Kleenex to clean up in the world of smut.

Like in the old days, before adult bookstores were popular, you had to buy dirty stuff from under the counter. And the little old lady would look like she was going to throw up when you shuffled in wearing your raincoat with the pockets cut out. Then when you were leaving with obscene literature in your grubby paws, she would spray you with Lysol.

Being an author of erotica is more than just pounding the keyboard and your pud simultaneously. Next is the graphics software to create those covers that your fans pound their pud to. This is where Adobe gets to butt fuck you with their monthly fees. I used to be able to buy software and own it, but Adobe was one of the first to get wise and figure out they could just rent it to you. Like an addict with a needle in his arm, Adobe permanently glues itself to your credit card for their monthly fix. While GIMP is an excellent substitute for PhotoShop, I still like PhotoShop.

I use CorelDRAW to create covers, and it used to be a product that I actually owned. However, yesterday, I got an email that Corel had seen the light, and after my annual maintenance contract expired, I would be automatically switched to their monthly suck. The nice thing Corel told me was that I didn’t have to do anything, and they would take care of connecting to my credit card for their monthly feeding. It’s so nice to know that Corel was saving me the trouble of having to decide if I wanted to do this or not. Of course, I’m assuming I can continue using my current version without their fix, but that confirmation was conveniently left out of the “wonderful” news.

Then there is QuarkXPress, a product that reminds me of Brad in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Whenever Brad shows up, the audience screams out, “Asshole,” and it’s hard for me to avoid saying that with Quark.

Quark enables a geek like me to create paperback novels that look like those you buy at Wally World. But, it is a learning lesson as my mom preaches to me. She also says, “You never learn a lesson unless it hurts!” I’ve used Quark for years, and every version has been a learning lesson for me. The ad always says that this problem has been fixed in the new version, but we’ve come up with many new wrinkles to piss you off.

The good news about dealing with Quark is that I now have three HP workstations to play with. My goal is to be able to run Quark, PhotoShop, and CorelDRAW simultaneously without issues. Also, did I mention that I now have 128 Gb of RAM memory in my author’s workstation with a 12-core Xeon processor?

I hope to convert another one of my published electronic stories to paperback form this weekend. Then, I’ll either be thrilled like Michael Jackson if it all works as I hope, or pissed like Brad when everyone calls him an asshole!

If your imagination is not good enough to masturbate to, try one of my explicit smoking hot erotic novels to get your motor started. My blog, LarryArcher.blog has a lot of information on my stories or you can check out my author’s links at all the popular sources for erotic literature.

If you don’t have a favorite site to buy your smut at, try Kinky Literature. The cost is the same and you help to promote a company which provides the best erotica from all the good authors. You can find Larry Archer’s dirty stories at the locations below in both print and electronic formats:

Kinky Literature

Amazon Kindle

SmashWords

Apple Books

Barnes and Noble

Kobo