May is National Masturbation Month and so be sure and celebrate it often. Every time you Jack Off or Jill Off, you can thank the surgeon general for the recommendation.

Masturbation Day was observed May 7, 1995, after sex-positive retailer, Good Vibrations, declared the day in honor of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who was fired by President Bill Clinton for suggesting masturbation be part of the sex education curriculum for students; she was terminated on December 9, 1994.

By popular demand, Masturbation Day has been extended to Masturbation Month to make sure everyone gets their licks in.

Toys are optional but highly recommended and don’t worry I’ve bought extra stock in the Eveready Battery company so I can cash in on your dirty behavior.

So while you’re in the bathroom, trying to balance your laptop or iPad on your lap as your panties fall down around your ankles, plug in an extra finger for me. Just remember to suck your fingers clean to hide the evidence.