Until recently, the use of Amazon and User-Friendly in the same sentence was almost a pejorative for authors, especially writers of erotica. When I publish a smut story, I hold my breath during the required “Review Process,” as I can imagine a group of little old church ladies sitting in a circle knitting while discussing my latest submission.
When you get the dreaded rejection notice, it contains a list of possible reasons that often trump the disclaimers seen on television for some new drug to cure erectile dysfunction or some other malady you are loath to discuss in mixed company.
On the one hand, you’d like to get lucky, but is it worth dying over a piece of tail? It always seems that the final side effect is always death with every drug.
Previously, when I got a rejection notice from Amazon and sorted through the wide range of possible objections, it was challenging to figure out precisely what they didn’t like? At least in my case, it typically boiled down to one thing, which Amazon could have told me to fix rather than play a guessing game.
Over the last couple of months, I’ve been focusing on taking my previously published electronic stories and publishing them in print format, so you have something else to hold while you read.
Amazon will take the electronic form of a story and pretty much republish it as a paperback. As someone who generally writes with one little finger up, I’ve always been one to take the path less followed and thought the easy way is for wimps and momma’s boys.
Like my wife says to one of her subs, “If I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out you!”
Amazon pretty much takes the story and just coverts it into a PDF to send to the printer. But the difference between an electronic and a print book is noticeable. The Chicago Manual of Style and picking up a “real” book show you several differences.
Beyond the fact that a print book is often stuck together with bodily fluids at the good parts. I added header and footers with the author’s name on the top left and the story name on the top right. Chapters always start on the right (odd) page, and I use a drop cap for the first paragraph. Page numbers don’t exist on electronic stories as the pages change with the display size of the device used.
Being averse to corporal punishment, I get my abuse from my computers and their software. My use of QuarkXPress to format my print books is akin to using a formula race car as a daily driver. Certainly, 200 MPH would make my daily commute much shorter, the abuse I’d get from Metro’s police officers would slow me down plus those irritating stoplights!
Like when Foxy says, “Bend over and you’ll feel a small pinch!” My abuse from Quark is getting better every time I use it. I’m learning to stop poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick.
So, when I received a rejection slip from Amazon, I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. So I responded to their author’s helpline with, “WTF?” To my surprise, I got a response accompanied by a real person or a robot pretending to be a real person who told me what was wrong and made a couple of suggestions on how to fix it.
After making the corrections, I resubmitted my story and it was published to be purchased by my adoring public. As an afterthought, I responded to their email with an “Attaboy,” and was surprised to get a thank you response.
I’ve always felt that you get more pussy with a smile rather than a frown. Of course, dick size helps! Even though the two people from Amazon purported to be male it was sweet to actually be told what I did wrong as my wife generally does.
I’m hoping that this is the start of a new relationship between Amazon and myself as we work together to make Jeff Bezos richer than God.
I’m Larry Archer, and I write erotic stories for the huddled and yearning masses. Foxy and I are swingers in real life. I write erotic stories based on the things we do and see. While the Lifestyle is not for everyone, it’s been fun for us. My smut is explicit and hardcore but with a somewhat plot. My porn novels are generally positive and fun, as this reflects how enjoyable swinging has been for us. If you’re interested in checking out my stories, I publish them at all the popular outlets.