In swinging, a common fear among newbie’s is if you or your partner will become infatuated with someone else. Another thing that goes along with this is jealousy. There are a number of common “Rules” if you want to call them that, which help to reduce problems.
Swingers are not generally poly and everyone must appreciate the difference between the two. Swinging is the perfect example of friends with benefits, while poly’s typically are a lot more emotionally connected to others. In many cases, being poly is like having multiple wives/husbands/families. We are not poly and so I can’t speak for it beyond what I read and understand from talking to others.
Swingers engage in recreational sex, with minimal connections to the other person. You go to a party, meet someone you find interesting and are attracted to, then climb into bed with them for a few minutes.
Afterwards there is no shared cigarettes or cuddling, just give them a kiss good bye and rejoin the party.
Now that’s not to say that we don’t make life long friends with those we sleep with, we just don’t use the “L” word with them. If you are on the outside or “a straight” as I call them, this behavior can be hard to understand.
Typically swingers are married or in a long term relationship and just want to experience something different. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our partner but simply variety spices up everything.
What a straight person typically does is have an affair with a coworker, someone they pick up at a bar, or maybe on Ashley Madison (and we know how that turned out). These are rife with potential problems such as screaming fits when she finds out or possibly a frying pan upside the head. When your partner strays, there is a loss of trust and betrayal that may never be regained, no matter how many sessions with the shrink you have.
The fear that your partner is going to leave you or you’re going to get caught smelling like sex is real and often devastating to a marriage. I’m the first to say that swinging is not right for everyone and both parties need to agree. You can’t just tell your wife you want an open marriage, then head out to the bar.
Once you both accept the fact that you are interested in getting some strange stuff but still love each other, then you’ve come a long way. There are some basic rules that may help you to navigate the first few encounters until you both are comfortable with the Lifestyle.
- Kissing – A lot of couples don’t believe in excess kissing with your play dates as kissing can be an emotional thing, which is a no-no. You may laugh that it’s okay to fuck someone but you can’t kiss them. It does sound somewhat lame but it is very true.Certainly I’m not saying that you shouldn’t kiss your play partner but don’t spend hours exploring her tonsils with your tongue. Along the same lines, kissing between girls is fine as it’s not considered a threat to the couple. Plus guys always love to watch.
For me, if wifey comes in and I’m banging some chick, she’s good with it and will generally join in. However, if she catches me giving someone a massage, then I’m going to hear about it.
- Swinging Separately – Don’t go out on dates with someone as this is asking for trouble. You can party in separate rooms but don’t leave and go to dancing then Motel-6 with someone. If your partner always knows where you are and can visit you then there is a greater chance she/he will not be jealous.Often new couples will decide to party together as a couple and seek out other couples to get together with. Well good luck with that as we’ve found that it’s not that easy to find a couple you both want to get with both halves. This is one of the reasons we prefer house parties so each of you can get lucky and you are not forced to do a charity fuck.
- Don’t Fight at a Party – The first time you see wifey slobbering over a 10-inch cock, don’t blow your stack. Always wait until you get home to discuss why your wife is walking spread eagle or has cum running out of her mouth. You don’t want to be known as the couple who always causes a scene about something. If you enjoy the lifestyle, then you will come to appreciate the times that your other half is having the time of his life getting his balls drained or vice-versa. This is all give and take, you both love each other and want the other one to have a great time. Remember it’s a lot better to have him fuck some slut at a party than his secretary.
- Drinking – Drinking is generally a no-no as it’s bad for the guy, performance wise and you don’t want your wife to have to be drunk to party. You can always have a drink or so to relax but watch it. You want to be sure that your wife remembers the guy who looks like a Chippendale dancer. Over the years we’ve known several couples that drink a little too much. I guess they just like to drink and are not a problem except when they pass out and occupy a bed.
- Unfriend Problem People – Just like the woman who tapes pictures to her living room wall and then threatens to unfriend you, keep track of the people you like and especially those you don’t like or cause trouble. The people you invite to a party are not necessarily those you want to play with but make a good addition without issues. We’ve introduced a number of new couples to the lifestyle and maybe only slept with half of them. You meet a couple and think they would be perfect for Bill and Judy, then invite them. We never allow people to show up at our house parties and are very cautious about allowing invited couples to bring people we don’t know.We have huge New Year’s Pajama Parties and once broke our rule of not inviting a couple we didn’t know. As it turned out, the guy got drunk and wanted to fight then he barfed in the living room. Luckily I grabbed a big Tupperware bowl so it was contained but it sure put a dampener on the festivities. As usual, we had three couples whose hubby was a cop and they quickly threw his ass out the door.
- Don’t Gossip – As swinging is not generally acceptable among conservatives and deeply religious people, don’t talk about parties you attend. You don’t want someone to drop a dime on you and get you in trouble at work or similar places. Swingers typically don’t talk about where they work and we always refer to a couple as Bill and Mary, not Bill and Mary Smith. Never use last names. Of course with people you’ve known for a while it’s okay to let them know more about you but try to close-hold personal information. Also start two little black books, one for your straight friends and one for swingers. You’ll quickly discover that you meet a lot of people and keeping them straight becomes a problem. You would not want to accidentally invite your next-door neighbor to your wife’s first gangbang.
- Separate Swingers from Straights – It should be without saying but keep your lifestyles apart and don’t tell your neighbors that you throw your house keys in a bowl and swap wives.
I know I threw in a few things that were not related to love but felt they bear reminding.
I like how you described swinging like FWB, not to compare to poly.
I am wondering whether I’m a bit of both, but I agree with you: I don’t want any contact to any of the men met in clubs (it’s different because it’s not house parties like you). It’s a one night sort of deal. If I were to meet them again, I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t miss them when I don’t see them.
The same can’t be said of other men in my life, like The Bouncer. I do miss seeing him, maybe more for the sex than anything else… but no, not really. I enjoy fooling around with him, the sex is nice, but I also like just being with him. Ok, I guess with *him* I have a FWB relationship.
Which is different from the relationship I have with The Dancer. That one I miss the minute he walks out the door.
Am I weird, or what? For most of my friends, I probably would be, I’m even having trouble finding a doctor I could discuss this openly with! 😉
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Well yes, you probably are a little weird but what the hell, I think most of us are. To be perfectly honest, for us it’s probably closer to incest than FWB. When you sleep with your friends, you often get closer to them than family. After all you are sharing everything with them. I and probably wifey will admit that we “Love” our friends but in a deep more familial way than “Love Love”.
There is no one mold that we are poured out of and if you are happy with however you live your life, then who are we to say that you are weird. Now the thing with the ropes, I’m not too sure about. 🙂
There are different types of sex, you can have sex for the immediate pleasure and satisfaction it gives and you can also have sex that is rolled up with love to be something completely different. But the bottom line is that you have to be happy with yourself and satisfied with your life.
At a party you might meet someone, fuck them, and then never see them again. Then again you take a good friend to bed and fuck them. That experience is completely different from casual sex and often more fulfilling because you know that person, what they like, and how to satisfy them.
Some of our friends are “normal” but a lot have weird and unusual kinks. One of our girl friends calls me Daddy and loves to suck dick. That’s pretty much all she does and really gets off on it. Now I’ve often wondered about some of the implications of being called Daddy but she’s never shared her thoughts and I would never intrude on her feelings but she likes it and who am I to question it, plus she gives really good head!
Hotwife or cuckold is also pretty common, one of our friends never does anything but loves to watch his wife get it on while he hides in the closet. Another friend is a plastic surgeon whose wife probably doesn’t have an original part on her and I think he enjoys the attention she gets and when we’ve been together he’s never touched my wife. Another couple likes to pick up guys for the wife to suck off. We also have a number of couples who enjoy flashing and photography in public places but I can’t say too much about them because that’s something we like also.
I think the upshot is that if you enjoy something and it doesn’t hurt others then why not?